**Warning---this is a story of battling depression, anxiety, and a whole kit and kaboodle of emotional onslaught that nearly destroyed me. Things will get graphic and scary but please dont' use it against me. This is suppose to be a helpful tool, not a fear tactic and not a weapon.
I was now back at Eckerd and it was time for me to finish the rest of my spring semester. It was a weird setting of mine. I was now alone in a bed that I shared with someone else for most of my Eckerd career already. With that thought of going to an "empty bed", well it scared me. I would come up with the strangest reasons not to go to bed like walking, driving, drinking, or anything that would lead me away from that bed and the thoughts of loneliness that would spawn there.
I also became obessed with certain things to the point where I killed them off and most days if I try and do anything with them it just opens a gateway to that time and this. I remember I would do some pitiful things.
With the recent Kay thing, it reminded me that I turned bad for that one, but for when I was depressed and dealing with Lilly Rae. I was much, much of a horrific and mindless creature looking for a cure all from the stress and worries that were corrupting my mind. I would spend class times writing love letters to Lilly Rae. I don't know how many I wrote during the course of that entire time, but I know the worst day was I was in Shakespeare and I crafted this letter with what I remember at the time "as a the key to my return," When I found her though, she was wrapped up in the arms of her new man, and it hurt.
Oh did that hurt and as hard as the rain was pouring after that, my heart fell as hard as each drop of sky sent rain. I saw her, walked past, said "here" under my breath and flung the letter onto her lap before running through the rain and letting me get soaked. I wanted to wash away this darkness that was now encasing me. It was driving me insane. When I got back to my dorm, I remember going to my friend Jolly's dorm room and he was like, "Yo man! Wanna do lunch?"
I just cried. I don't remember when I stopped crying. I think it was after I had eaten. I just cried a lot back then.
With all these tears and people telling me to move on, I tried. I tried to look for someone to be with. I didn't care what they wanted in returned, as long as I didn't have to go to an empty bed. I met a lot of wonderful people at that time and I spent a lot of nights with just a girl. The outcome usually hurt cause I would talk about how I would see this world and I would get that, "You are something else. You are a very fantastic individual."
I swear that I got a dollar for that line every time I've heard that in college, I wouldn't have to worry about money.
Regardless, there were some people who from that time still hang around with despite the fact that I broke my number one rule of make friends with girls first...then go for them. Not the other way around.
There were a lot of girls. It was kind of pathetic that I was jumping ship like that. "I like her cause I make her laugh." "She doesn't judge my pain." "She's pretty." "She might be a good fuck." "I wouldn't mind laying with her." "I bet she would like me as a boyfriend." "I treat her better than the guys she is look at. Doesn't that account for something?"
As you can probably tell, I was falling into that "angry friend-zone" that didn't help with my depression. And it didn't when at one part I got somewhat mixed up in a threesome, but the two other people left and it hurt that no one wanted me to be a part of anything. It hurt feeling like I wasn't attractive and that I was just.....there. A thorn in everyone's side that just was a bother.
I just so desperately wanted someone to be with. I wanted someone to replace the pain she left me. The pain I myself was feeding. I guess it isn't a surprise that no one followed to be with me.
There was though, two girls from that time that did do some help and I felt that the feelings I grew from them were organic feelings.
But I think I missed my chances with either and granted it would be interesting, at the time, I wasn't think that in a few months later I would meet someone who would rock my world for the better.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
In the darkness of my own mine though, the fight not to end this life of mine started to fluster more and more. Another attempt soon appeared when I had to go to meet with a Professor and she was the first Eckerd staff I talked to about my situation. Not everything cause at the time, I didn't believe I could get help. I was in this world of darkness, I had to conquer it.
I thought, that was what I had to do. For the sake of my sanity. Thats what I always thought. Cause, well, I have a menagrie of mental disorders that I actually at the time did not know the full extent of it. I just knew that in some places, one could accurately claim I was "mentally retarded" officially so I took it upon myself to prove that a mental disorder isn't a disorder, its a gift that allows you to craft a reality.
After I talked to my Professor, she gave me a second chance to do all my work and as I struggled to improve my grammar, I had to struggle in a science class that I thought I would be good at and I know if I tried I would've. But I had a friend named Slopkins in that class and at the time he didn't get I think how bad I was hurting and would bring up that I shouldn't care a lot during class. It made things harder for me to focus. It was like I couldn't escape that I was being reminded that I was just....pitiful. And it got worse when I came back to my dorm and found Lilly Rae kissing passionately with her new guy. I was starting to feel good and I lost it. I fainted in my friends room before I decided I was going to jump off the sea wall in the daylight and just home that I was dead before anyone came. Lilly Rae followed me and we fought all across campus to the point that she threatened to call my Mom. I didn't want to worry my parents. I didn't want anyone to doubt that I was "okay" back home.
When the new season of Doctor Who started to role around, I flung myself at it cause of something that made my skin crawl but felt that it was starting to become a part of me. It was around that time that I started calling my form of darkness by a name, "The Silence."
I started to believe that there were two sides of me now and they where battling over control of what ever I would call....a soul.
I had the Henry self. The Original Henry who was trying so hard to be reborn again and given a second chance. The happy person who thrived on dreams of his own and others to survive. And then there was the "Silence", something that just wanted to wipe me out completely and become well...."normal"
I got close to it to. I almost threw everything out that made me me. But luckily the memories of my toys,books, movies, and one very special stuffed Dinosaur prevented me from ever going that far.
But at the same time I was doing some terrible things. I was harrasing Lilly Rae while trying to move on. I wasn't showing I was over her when I was trying to move on. It hurt and I know one night I need to get off my chest. I confronted her and stopped her. I tried talking to her and she said what was done was done. I got desperate and I did what usually got her in the mood. It wasn't my proudest moment and she responded briefly till we stopped and she went straight to her room and I....can't remember. There was a lot of shame that night. That was the worst I ever have been. Some today thing I've been bad, but that is the worst I've ever been. I forced myself onto someone and in some lights it could have been viewed as an scary attempt at something. One person I think knew what I did and she comforted me about it. I broke down to her and she told me that when she met me, I was so strong but I was already having the habit of storing memory like it was in the present tense. The concept of time was always foreign to me even though I was familiar to it. I knew of past and future but the present seemed to bore me.
I started to live on a principal that time was the DNA of the universe. That everything had a timeline and everything was intertwined and made up the fabric of this reality. And people's timelines where the lifeblood for the soul. Everyone can get in and out of a timeline and either leave it for the better or worse.
Soon though, I faced a night that would be the tipping point. Rock bottom. The night that started out with me feeling like I was moving forward. I deleted Lilly Rae from facebook and other media but kept her phone number as an emergency. It was the night of spring formal and I didn't have a date. I was mad at a friend cause he had a date with a girl that I started to like and was curious about. I watched as he kind of just messed it up. It was painful to watch but I was starting to feel somewhat good about things.
And then I went to campus to Kappa Ball, dressed in drag with my friends and everyone complemented on my boobs in my drag. As I drank and was merry, I bumped into a friend that I made through Lilly Rae and she and I talked. She was going through a hard time with her boyfriend and even though I knew she was...well...crazy, I viewed her as a good person for the most part. And very pretty. I expressed it to her and she told me she was amazed I was doing okay. As she peed next to me (which looks odd as a man in drag is sitting next to a woman in a corset peeing on the side of a wall) she told me that night Lilly Rae was going to officially start dating her new guy. It hurt. Oh did it hurt. I found out a lot of things. And that led me to....well......
No memory hurts harder and makes me have to laugh to hide the pain of being found by a group of girls while you are in drag pretty much melting down in the field behind the library. Being dragged back as you consently scream in horror at yourself and where you have ended up. I hated myself. The silence came back and these girls who lived in my dorm saw me arguing about myself and the will to live.
I eventually passed out and everyone just gave me space that day. I was a mess and I just hid. I hid from everything. I felt so ugly and disgusting. It was painful.
I wanted to die. I wanted everything to fade out. I felt so damn useless. My instincts told me that i was not worth it anymore. I was a mistake.
I was better off dead.
But it was around this time that unforseen events would help start climbing out of my pit of dispair and into a better life than the one I was allowing to rule over me.
End of Part 2
~The Silly Wanderer~
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