**Warning---this is a story of battling depression, anxiety, and a whole kit and kaboodle of emotional onslaught that nearly destroyed me. Things will get graphic and scary but please dont' use it against me. This is suppose to be a helpful tool, not a fear tactic and not a weapon.
Feb. 23rd, 2011 was the day that it in away started for me. It was probably around 3:00pm (cause I had to look up when Eckerd had its snow day that year that it started and 4:00 and I know it was an hour before). On that day, I broke up with someone for the first time. I'm going to call her....Lilly Rae cause that was the Digimon name she picked out when I wrote our Digimon story and that was her Pokemon trainer name.
The reason for why I broke up with her cause of a trip I had for my first winter term. It was a trip to Tanzania and I realized that she wasn't the one for me cause of a place we went there. I went to Ogorongo Crater and on the rim of this "lost world" listening to the Jurassic Park theme song, I realized I wasn't proud to be there. I was about two-hundred and twenty five pounds, gross looking, and at the time I wasn't calling myself by my name anymore. I was using titles liked "Hello, I'm the Doctor!" or "My name is Optimus Prime," or just roaring cause I was Gamera. It was then I realized that in that relationship I felt that I wasn't me. I wasn't who I wanted to be anymore and decided I needed to be alone and rediscover myself.
So I broke up with Lilly Rae that day and it ended well...bad. There is no such thing as a "good break-up" cause no matter how much you think, something bad always happens directly or indirectly.
For two weeks after that I was living the life. Partying, getting drunk, meeting new people. It was great. Then one night, a few of my friends and I jumped a fence and went hot tubing. Everyone was starting to pair off and I went for this one girl. I was drunk and just thought, "alright, its just you an me baby, lets get busy"
But then...she rejected me before I could even start. It was...confusing. I was so taken back. It wasn't that my pride was hurt. I just thought...."what did I do wrong?"
And then it began with that. "What did I do wrong?" "What am I doing?" "Should I be concerned that I don't look at mirrors anymore" "Why am I getting angry?" "Is it me?" "Do I miss her?" "Did I make a mistake?" "Why are my grades not as good as everyone else?" "Am I stupid?"
"Whats wrong with me?"
They started to boil and boil down and I was starting to struggle at school and with myself. Despite Lilly Rae being broken up, I still requested she come down to the Bahamas for Spring Break. On the flight down, I realized that I must have made a mistake cause I didn't have those problems when I was with her. She was the only thing different so I just logically assumed that all I had to do was go back out with her and everything would be fixed.
And thats when I learned that first night she was seeing someone else already. It bugged me, but I was like "We dated for a year and almost a half. She'll take me back."
After failed attempts in bed and forcing myself without response.......she didn't. Then she told me she was already sleeping with him to.
I was shocked and didn't know what to do. I lost my virginity to that girl.
"Am I just another tally?" "Did I hurt her that bad?" "What am I doing?" "Am I just a bad person?"
"I must be...."
That night, while everyone went to get drunk, I took a beer and walked to the dock in the Bahamas and just sat there. In silence at first and then I yelled, "WHY!"
"Cause you are a failure, Henry Winston Ball," said the Voice.
I was never more scared, but..it was something to talk to. I'm not making this up by the way. I talk to myself all the time, but I never well...talked back to myself. Its weird but it felt like an entirely new person that was talking to me through my mouth.
The voice and I argued for a good hour which lead to my first attempt. The voice told me that I was a monster. That I "used people" for my own satisfaction as I hid from things and was still just a child. I was fat, I needed glasses and contact lenses, I always seemed to miss out on social norms, and most off all, Lilly Rae didn't care about me anymore. It really used my insecurites about that on me for a bit. It also kept saying it was selfish what I was doing to try and win her back. What was the point. She found someone better than you. They always find someone better than you.
And that hit me hard. My love life since high school was always me falling for someone and that person having me around till they would well....date my friends or find someone else and then call me about their sex life. I didn't understand. I thought that what you did. I was told that I just put myself in the Friend Zone. I didn't like it and it caused me high school grief, but that was high school grief. At the time though...it still hurt and I began to think this voice was right. I then picked at my scabs and finished the rest of my drink and started to pace back and forth from the dock. The voice kept saying, "Jump. Jump into that water and go with that current. Wash away. Who will remember you?"
And then I stopped and fell down.
Whatever confidence I had left screamed "YOUR FRIENDS WOULD"
I looked back at the house and remembered that if I killed myself there, their vacations would be ruined. No one them deserved to deal with my dead body. I knew the island we were on and what to do in situations there. Sure some of them could learn, but who knows how to handle a lion fish. Or well the marine predators are. Or what to do with a dolphin. Or who to talk to on the island for help.
My memory was a bit fuzzy at this part and I think I just broke down right there. Near the end of the Voice was starting to win again cause it was starting to say, "you've been gone for a good hour and no one has come to look for you. You don't matter"
"SHERLOCK! I FOUND HIM!" Lilly Rae yelled as I saw her form come out of the shadows in the distance with my friend Sherlock (who I've mentioned before and this is not his real name, but his original birth name). Sherlock came and held me close as he walked me off the dock. Lilly Rae asked what she had to do and he told her to do nothing. At this point I was tear ridden and snotty as a hound. I was shaking violently and I was relieved that Sherlock had came to my aid, but at the same time not happy that she wasn't going out of her way to make sure I was okay.
Memory is a powerful thing, by the way fellow readers. As I write this I remember some of the good of that trip. It did happen in spots. I remember fishing Mahi Mahi with Cortez, Ken, and Sherlock. There were other good memories...but that trip was the start of probably one of the darkest times of my life. (so far)
When Sherlock got me back to bed, we talked and I told him how worthless I felt. I told him I was such a problem to everyone. It seemed I couldn't do anything right and I just made other problems worse. I told him how can I have a purpose like that. Where all I bring is pain and destruction.
This is the only time I ever saw Sherlock cry. Its hard when you see a friend who usually wears a daft smile like its going out of style cry.
He told me that the dorm we lived in, Alpha Gershwin, wouldn't be as close without me. I helped plan events that would bring us a dorm together and also helped bridge the older students with the younger. I made sure everyone was involved and I always was bounding down the halls to make sure everyone was happy. I also appearantly and without knowing gave him some strength to overcome feelings for a girl he couldn't get over.
It was weird but I didn't know that. I didn't know even in my worst times, I was still helping others.
I eventually passed out and he went to his own bed.
The next few days where just hard. I took our group down to the Blue Hole for a fun little day trip. It was't the perfect day but it was at least a day. We all dove in and me, being the chicken I was jumped a few times before just swimming around in the hole.
Let me explain quickly what a Blue Hole is. They are bottomless geographic formations that usually lead a body of freshwater into the ocean. The "blue hole" we where at is actually called a "banana hole" due to the fact that its in land, but it connects to its oceanic form known as a "blue hole". I also believe that a giant octopus called a "Lusca" lives down there but i digress.
Before my last jump (almsot forgot this) it was just me and Lilly Rae at the platform. I asked her if she was going to go back in and she said no. She told me she didn't like what I was doing. It wasn't her fault and everyone there was starting to not like her for hurting me. I didn't want that and she told me to go away. I jumped into the hole and swam to its center.
There i looked down. There is no feeling to describe when you are floating above the center of that place. Where the platform on the twenty foot cliff that allows you to jump down into the blue hole is sheltered by a thirty foot cliff before the drop off into nothingness. But I was in the center so it was just aspects of light and then....nothing. Just darkening water as light was no guest in those deep places. My eyes started to play tricks on me as shadow leviathans seemed to want me to join them. I started to remember the famous quote, "I stared into the abyss...and it stared right back."
The voice came again and it just kept talking to me how I should drown. I'm a good swimmer and I imagined my survival instinct in water would be stronger than voice.
But I started to go under. It was like I had concret for hands and a giant boulder in my stomach. The feeling is a lot like diving when you have nothing but your weight belt on and you just...well...sink.
Two times I struggled to get back to the surface. Third though was when my friend Rupert came to tell me everyone was ready to go. I told him okay and was thankful he got there right then. He asked me if I was okay and like anyone suffering from depression and problems and feeling like talking about their problems is a burden, I went with the most normal and bullshit response of all time.
"I'm okay, just tired."
Two attempts of suicide down and about three more to go.
At this rate, I'll most likely be doing this story in parts. This is Part 1 (The Start). Don't worry, I'll get the middle and end of this sooner than later.
I dont' really remember what else happened that day. That might have been the night I couldn't sleep and I had another chat with "The Voice"
This was the one time "The Voice" did something good.
I got the bottom of why I went out with Lilly Rae in the first place. I did it cause well...I was getting back at an ex. Before dating Lilly Rae, I was in a brief relationship that was my first college relationship and would lead to my second girlfriend after my first one broke up with me in my hometown of Charleston. In a way, it was an interesting grace of closure but I was sick of this voice. I was starting to worry if I was just down right crazy and a hazard to those around me. I went to bed restlessly and woke up early to the sunlight.
I laugh about this situation now, but it wasn't funny when it started. I usually was the first one to wake up and well..I didn't want to deal with my voice that day. I had realized that the voice doesn't come when I drank so I thought..."I should just get drunk"
It was 9:00am when I started hitting the booze and it was 12:00pm when I was told to stop.
I took a step into alcoholism and it was bad. I was lucky to have my friend Ken (who is a bit of a jock and we don't see eye to eye on somethings, but he is one of those friends who is just a good one and will always have your back) Ken took me back to my room and told a really drunk me it was going to be okay. I had to accept what had happened cause it was my choice. I had to have done it for the right reason. He said some other really good things, but...well...I was drunk and depressed and I don't remember.
When he left though, i saw my unfinished beer bottle and was happy. I literally though, "Dumbass is going to cut me off? Well at least I can have this last swig"
I grabbed that bottle and took a nice long swig....of water.
From what they tell me, I barged out of my room and raised my glass high above me and screamed, "What the fuck guys! This is fucking water!"
I then proceeded to sink, emptied the water, threw the bottle down and went to bed.
I passed out for a while that day and after that my days where all a blurr. I know I tried to jump off the dock (suicide attempt #3) again but I believe one of my friends grabbed me and made sure I couldn't harm myself. I also remember hanging out with Rupert and we talked about relationships and he started telling me he didn't feel like he was sought after. Nearly punched him cause before we left for the trip, he was getting all sorts of attention from girls and sure he didn't want it, I said it was stupid of him to think otherwise.
Regardless, due to my behavior it was all lock and key for me and I still feel bad that I had to be watched for that trip, but at least I was starting to see that the "Voice" was wrong.
I did have friends.
Before we left though, the voice visited again and simply said, "But for how long?"
I have no idea what Lilly Rae was thinking during that time and I was originally going to drive her to St.Pete but when I found out she wanted to get there early to see her new guy, I couldn't. she was texting him through most the trip and I couldn't bare to think I would have to endure another four hours of her doing that while I drove. It wasn't a safe bet so I told her to drive with Lexi and that caused problems but she got over it.
When I got back to Eckerd, I told my friends Jewels and Liddy (there names are also changed for the sake of privacy) about the attempted suicides and how I was feeling. They showed compassion and I thought maybe I should roll with them for a while to keep my spirits up.
As the second part of my sophmore spring semester started up, I would never believe the things that would follow and the actions I would do that have plauged me to this very day.
End of Part 1
~The Silly Wanderer~
*I know that there are misspelling and grammer stuff that is wrong, but I'm being honest and this how it was for me.
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