Sundays

Fun Fact: I Hate Sundays


Sundays are just terrible days. I understand that many people view sundays as a day of prayer. Or a day of rest. Or a day of reflection.

But for me, nothing good has happened on Sundays.

My family's worsts fights happened on Sundays.
My heart is always broken on a Sunday (if not on that day, the event of a Sunday causes it)
I remember I have so much work for the coming week on a Sunday.

Sundays are just terrible god awful days.

And what sucks, I feel like this one is probably going to be one of those bearable ones.

My mom came in last night and it was really nice. Last night though was interesting (will get into that later) but as my mom is around....I want to appear "happy" and "sane" to her. Like I'm struggling but things are really as bad as I think they are. Just so she doesn't have to worry.

I don't like making my mom worry.

Granted I've been much more open with my mom then I ever been, but....

We are about to work on my applications for my teaching degree and my chances to send me to Korea to teach English.


And when I'm done with this writing, I'll be working on it.

And all I want to do.....

Is cry.

I can feel it, the void in my chest. That never ending hole of what used to be my internal organs. I don't even know any more.

I like to think (and not to sound dramatic) that I had a "heart" and "lungs" but they are gone.

Just nothing is in my rib cage anymore. I"m just a hollow man.

I want to so desperately be happy. I want to go through a hole day and not be like "I'm great (but I still feel empty)"

Like thats what we are supposed to say right?

"I'm happy. I'm Okay. Things are bad but they are getting better!"
^-thats a lie    ^-thats a lie    ^-this is a lie

I know things are getting better.

But despite that.....I still want to cry. Last night I got so empty that I had one of those dreaded and awful "thoughts"

The bad and nasty thought that is the ultimate cowardice.

It faded as quickly as it came, but its something that Therapy is going to have to explore in detail.

I feel like I have a wall now around the bad stuff. The monsters. The demons. The wave of horror that so desperately wants to see me in dirt than fly above all this.


I just want to feel like I achieved something.

But right now...I feel like ghost. I actual want to be a ghost. Then I can just be a memory.

A memory is good, cause then I would know that I would inspire or...I don't know. I'm off to deal with my "future"

~The Silly Wanderer~