Monday

So today is Monday and the day that things are going to get heavy real quick. I'm so nervous and I know everyone is there to help...but....all weekend I was in such a dark place and now I'm going to a mandatory therapy session.

Its kind of sad whats going to happen next and honestly...I know my day will be done after that therapy session.

The crying isn't too bad but due to some things of this morning, I have another poem I think I will write.

I may submit poetry to the class this week. We will see.


Urgh...i hope this monday goes alright. It feels heavier today.


All the best you guys.

~The Silly Wanderer~

I Am a Broken Man--A Poem

Tears awaken me 
from empty slumbers. 
The thoughts of life and death 
swirl in the emptiness of my soul. 

I am a broken man.
Deep within in a pit of self despair,
drowning in a void of nothingness. 

Little lights of friendly souls 
whisper sweet nothings to my 
hallow husk. 

But is it enough? 

No. For to a broken man 
he craves and overdoses 
on memories of happiness. 
Then the pain sets in 
for they are empty memories.. 
And then the tears awaken me. 

Sundays

Fun Fact: I Hate Sundays


Sundays are just terrible days. I understand that many people view sundays as a day of prayer. Or a day of rest. Or a day of reflection.

But for me, nothing good has happened on Sundays.

My family's worsts fights happened on Sundays.
My heart is always broken on a Sunday (if not on that day, the event of a Sunday causes it)
I remember I have so much work for the coming week on a Sunday.

Sundays are just terrible god awful days.

And what sucks, I feel like this one is probably going to be one of those bearable ones.

My mom came in last night and it was really nice. Last night though was interesting (will get into that later) but as my mom is around....I want to appear "happy" and "sane" to her. Like I'm struggling but things are really as bad as I think they are. Just so she doesn't have to worry.

I don't like making my mom worry.

Granted I've been much more open with my mom then I ever been, but....

We are about to work on my applications for my teaching degree and my chances to send me to Korea to teach English.


And when I'm done with this writing, I'll be working on it.

And all I want to do.....

Is cry.

I can feel it, the void in my chest. That never ending hole of what used to be my internal organs. I don't even know any more.

I like to think (and not to sound dramatic) that I had a "heart" and "lungs" but they are gone.

Just nothing is in my rib cage anymore. I"m just a hollow man.

I want to so desperately be happy. I want to go through a hole day and not be like "I'm great (but I still feel empty)"

Like thats what we are supposed to say right?

"I'm happy. I'm Okay. Things are bad but they are getting better!"
^-thats a lie    ^-thats a lie    ^-this is a lie

I know things are getting better.

But despite that.....I still want to cry. Last night I got so empty that I had one of those dreaded and awful "thoughts"

The bad and nasty thought that is the ultimate cowardice.

It faded as quickly as it came, but its something that Therapy is going to have to explore in detail.

I feel like I have a wall now around the bad stuff. The monsters. The demons. The wave of horror that so desperately wants to see me in dirt than fly above all this.


I just want to feel like I achieved something.

But right now...I feel like ghost. I actual want to be a ghost. Then I can just be a memory.

A memory is good, cause then I would know that I would inspire or...I don't know. I'm off to deal with my "future"

~The Silly Wanderer~

I Just Want to FOCUS again

I want to be able to do something. Instead of attempting and then crying. I am tired of this hole.

I am just tired.

I just want to hide.

I just am just tired of feeling depressed all the freaking time now.


Last night I had a brilliant phone conversation and it was nice. I felt happy. It was good to talk to you again with feeling.

It was like feeling life in my veins again and I felt powerful.

And then we ended the chat and I took a breath and the process of the abyss started all over again.


I want to just......fuck.....i just want to feel alive.

~The Silly Wanderer~

So this Exists

This exists.

My Sunday has been made.

Sterling Archer---The Worlds Greatest Raptor Spy

~The Silly Wanderer~ 

But on the plus side

A mystery has appeared in my timeline.

An anomaly that maybe will be something interesting..............


I guess we will have to see.

~The Silly Wanderer~

Updates

I'm starting to feel better but I still feel hallow.

I still can't stand the fact that Kay has just scrubbed my presence and its just to the point of "really? WTF?"

I mean...I get it. I wasn't the best. And I broke trust and space bubbles. But she seems so desperate for sexual needs now that its just.....I don't know. Like a lost person screaming for help but refusing for help. She's going to alienate her friends fast that way when one is so stubborn on.....well...a lot of her issues.

I want to help and despite it all, I still care for Kay. I care for her a lot. I honestly don't know what I would do is she asked for me to enter her world again......because well. She was nice and the timeline wasn't perfect, but it was bad either.

But that is not the issue with my life.

The issue of the void that is thriving in my chest is doing a good enough job.  I still do feel like i have this black and shadowy octopus living in me that drains the feelings of hope from me.


And with DG, I still hold a torch for her. She is my 100% if she asked me back, I would go for it.


But.........................

These girls are not a cure.

They help.

But I am my own cure. And I need to deal with it sooner than later.

I need to evolve.

I think this ramble is to get the anger at Kay out of my system. Its just getting.......annoying for her to be this insanely sure to put me away. Granted she did tell me she would do this if I ever got her that angry, but still. She needs to grow up.


..........Therapy this week is going to be interesting.

I hope my readers are having a nice weekend and I'll post some nice new Doctor Who episode reviews very soon.

~The Silly Wanderer~ 

Just woke up from a nap

And I still feel empty inside :(

A feelings post

A post about my feelings currently at 1:47 PM on April 5th, 2013


*ahem*

I want the void to go away.


I've stop having my crying spells. I get close to them a lot but the tears and pain never come. But a new pain has entered by body and it sucks. I now wake up with this...emptiness.

I'm just unhappy. And it sucks cause I have nothing to be unhappy about.

But I'm just.....unhappy.

I don't know. I feel like where my heart and insides should be is this gaping hole in my chest, where just nothingness resides. I can imagine a swirling and shadowy darkness, tendrils of just the blackest of black reaching out trying to infect the world that I live in.


Its...its quite terrible.

DG made me a "To-do" list and its definently helped. But as I finished my Japanese application, I just feel awful.

I also, from a distance saw Kay today. God did she look beautiful. I freaking love that hat she wears. I could hear her speak her way and I don't know what it is, but her voice just gives me thrills.

I've been thinking about both of them now and again. I wish I would cry for them. Cause then that would explain why I'm sad.

But.......its not them. And I think they would kick my ass if I did. Though things are not the same as they were, I like to think that they both do care in their weird ways.

I wouldn't have fallen for them if I felt they weren't capable of it.


But not to make it look like my troubles is girl issues, its just I feel heavy in the heart.


And I hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it.

Therapy went well today. Its a new guy and I think he's pretty cool. I think I'm going to take a nap. Cause I think I need a nap.

Jurassic Park tonight though! Can't wait!! :)



I'm sure I'll write more on this here blog later tonight. Till then!

~The Silly Wanderer~ 

5:25 PM- A Poem

Class goes on.
I see the wind outside,
the humor of fellow students.
All this life
And I feel so hollow.

Internal bleeding can not
fill this void deep inside me.
But still I drown,
in my own horrors.

When we are dismissed
I will walk alone
to an empty room
full of good memories that only
turn me bitter. 

I want to see happiness again.
In her form,
sprawled on my bed.
Her curves softly embracing my sheets.
But it would be wrong.
Because I am my own cure.
Not you. Not her.
My thoughts though are placebos.
Hopeful shells of empty light.

Emptiness that causes
my body to heave
with salty tears
leaking between my fingers.

I just want it to stop.
To just fade out of this limbo
and see if I should just try again.

Things are on hold

Things on the blog are on hold so I can get back into shape in school and my mental stability. Hopefully things will get better. But Digimon RE: Nexus is going through some slight changes that don't really effect episodes 4 and 5 but will generally have a new feel (since its still in an early setting)

So Enjoy this epic picture of my favorite Ultimate (Perfect) level Digimon 

RIZEGREYMON!!! 

Being a badass. 

Cause.....yeah....badass 

~The Silly Wanderer~