Rants on the lake

Sucking it up and taking this blow. He looks like pete puma and it drives me mad that he seems to be the one thing in the way to our happiness because you simply feel sorry for him.

Rant because its driving me crazy and I am tired to call on people to vent.

I need to start seeing a therapist again so I can dump out the overloading thoughts.

Just sucks that I am back in the world of the living and I am still so far from here. Also I think I am angry because the girl who...was alright but ended up being well.....not nice to put it plainly...showed me that some of my best friends aren't as good as i thought because she talked shit and they believed it. I feel I lost a good friend because of her.

At least I am alive and all and all...happy.

Again...I can't stress how great it feels to be back again.

-the silly wanderer-

Thoughts

Its so strange tonhave been so close to the end and then returning in the glory that I am and feeling happy again!

I haven't had any thoughts. I still have panic attacks, but they aren't as bad and I can control them a little easier.

I am getting back on track with my life and I know who my friends are.

The one backstep?

She is still so far away.

When you get to where I went and then come back from it....you see what is truly important and what is real in this world and what is bullshit. I found out recently that a lot of my friends and people i knew are good people...but bullshitters who have taught me thst trusting people in the way I do and expecting that people will do what I do normally,  being considerate. Humans are selfish and fear anything that can break an illusion.

And I recently...I realized that I am still in love with her that it was enough to bring me out of the shadows and make the call that saved my life.

Granted...its heavy shit...but its what I went through.

Honestly I just want to write about her. Her life. That smile. Those eyes. The personality that is the yin to my yang.

Half my heart still resides with her. It always will. I think that its the same with me. I am curious what will happen when we meet again since the isolation that nature caused and forced us to see what we were to one another. We both made mistakes. We both did the wrong thing and we now live in the consequences.

But that should  not!be a chains that hold us back. I think we needed this time. To think.  To miss. To find ourselves.

I found myself. 

I am back to being me. Its a great feeling life again in my soul. I appreciate the true spectacle that my life is and regardless of the good, bad, and ugly times with people...I now love every step I took because....like she once told me, "I would never love a man who has never stumbled and fallen down. Because the man who has, which is you you goof, has gotten back up and keeps going."

Bit of paraphrasing (extremely) but you get the jist.

Love you.

-the Silly Wanderer-

So I'm back

I feel refreshed and my mind and heart are rebuilding.


Its weird though.....I forgot how heartbroken I am about a lot of things before the lights went out for me.

Its just...........I'm crazy. I must be absolutely crazy.

Or I was?

I don't know......

She saw it coming and its just a pity that it became who I was for such a long time and in the end nearly destroyed me.


And now.....I'm free of it and can manage it and I just want to go.

I loved Saint Petersburg, don't get me wrong.

I found many firsts in this place. My first loves, my first break ups, my first...well...everything.


And then I thought one first would be my last one but....look how that has got me.

And when I found someone new.......she knew me better than I knew myself and in the end I developed into this....thing.

This horrible monster born from the shell of a man I used to be the one she would smile at because I would get excited about a giant monster film.

I miss those days.....and I miss her face during stuff we'd do together.


I've been thinking though more of DG........I miss her. A lot.

I'm just.....confused I guess....or just....tired that I'm still here.

Frankly......after what this week has done, I see that I have some people who care, but.....it has showed me that I am truly just a blip to most of the people I know.

It sucks, but...it just seems like that and its okay.

Generally, I'm a cool guy...but I think the last few months tore that down and I feel like when I'm on campus I'm this...........pariah?

I mean...that is what usually happens for me.

It just seems that people still revolve around her and that I'm just this.....orbiting moon to her now grown circle of people and things that where part of mine.

Honestly...this post is mostly born from normal emotions of rejection, loneliness, and in desperate need for a cuddle.

A really hard and maybe underpants cuddle.


Tomorrow is a new day and more work for me to continue to live the life I almost threw away.


Till next time readers

~The Silly Wanderer~ 

Voice-New Poem

Voice 

I heard your voice today. 

That cool crisp sound 

that reminds me 

of a sunny fall day. 

A beautiful reminder of life 

in the form of 

fiery leaves and autumn bird song. 

In these hours of self induced calamity 

where my own voice 

is filled with creeping 

and quite tears. 

You speak his name. 

You speak it like mine. 

Or, more to the point 

you speak it like you used to 

for my own name. 

Like a broken dam 

it advanced deeper 

flooding the civil war 

that is raging in my heart. 

The love that had always protected me. 

That had always, 

even when I neglected it, 

fueled the life and purpose 

for my weary and wandering soul. 

Drowned in those torrents 

produced by the end of that phone call. 

The loudest click of my life 

with the hush of your tone, 

I became what I feared the most. 

A memory to you. 

Monday

So today is Monday and the day that things are going to get heavy real quick. I'm so nervous and I know everyone is there to help...but....all weekend I was in such a dark place and now I'm going to a mandatory therapy session.

Its kind of sad whats going to happen next and honestly...I know my day will be done after that therapy session.

The crying isn't too bad but due to some things of this morning, I have another poem I think I will write.

I may submit poetry to the class this week. We will see.


Urgh...i hope this monday goes alright. It feels heavier today.


All the best you guys.

~The Silly Wanderer~

I Am a Broken Man--A Poem

Tears awaken me 
from empty slumbers. 
The thoughts of life and death 
swirl in the emptiness of my soul. 

I am a broken man.
Deep within in a pit of self despair,
drowning in a void of nothingness. 

Little lights of friendly souls 
whisper sweet nothings to my 
hallow husk. 

But is it enough? 

No. For to a broken man 
he craves and overdoses 
on memories of happiness. 
Then the pain sets in 
for they are empty memories.. 
And then the tears awaken me. 

Sundays

Fun Fact: I Hate Sundays


Sundays are just terrible days. I understand that many people view sundays as a day of prayer. Or a day of rest. Or a day of reflection.

But for me, nothing good has happened on Sundays.

My family's worsts fights happened on Sundays.
My heart is always broken on a Sunday (if not on that day, the event of a Sunday causes it)
I remember I have so much work for the coming week on a Sunday.

Sundays are just terrible god awful days.

And what sucks, I feel like this one is probably going to be one of those bearable ones.

My mom came in last night and it was really nice. Last night though was interesting (will get into that later) but as my mom is around....I want to appear "happy" and "sane" to her. Like I'm struggling but things are really as bad as I think they are. Just so she doesn't have to worry.

I don't like making my mom worry.

Granted I've been much more open with my mom then I ever been, but....

We are about to work on my applications for my teaching degree and my chances to send me to Korea to teach English.


And when I'm done with this writing, I'll be working on it.

And all I want to do.....

Is cry.

I can feel it, the void in my chest. That never ending hole of what used to be my internal organs. I don't even know any more.

I like to think (and not to sound dramatic) that I had a "heart" and "lungs" but they are gone.

Just nothing is in my rib cage anymore. I"m just a hollow man.

I want to so desperately be happy. I want to go through a hole day and not be like "I'm great (but I still feel empty)"

Like thats what we are supposed to say right?

"I'm happy. I'm Okay. Things are bad but they are getting better!"
^-thats a lie    ^-thats a lie    ^-this is a lie

I know things are getting better.

But despite that.....I still want to cry. Last night I got so empty that I had one of those dreaded and awful "thoughts"

The bad and nasty thought that is the ultimate cowardice.

It faded as quickly as it came, but its something that Therapy is going to have to explore in detail.

I feel like I have a wall now around the bad stuff. The monsters. The demons. The wave of horror that so desperately wants to see me in dirt than fly above all this.


I just want to feel like I achieved something.

But right now...I feel like ghost. I actual want to be a ghost. Then I can just be a memory.

A memory is good, cause then I would know that I would inspire or...I don't know. I'm off to deal with my "future"

~The Silly Wanderer~