Thoughts

Its so strange tonhave been so close to the end and then returning in the glory that I am and feeling happy again!

I haven't had any thoughts. I still have panic attacks, but they aren't as bad and I can control them a little easier.

I am getting back on track with my life and I know who my friends are.

The one backstep?

She is still so far away.

When you get to where I went and then come back from it....you see what is truly important and what is real in this world and what is bullshit. I found out recently that a lot of my friends and people i knew are good people...but bullshitters who have taught me thst trusting people in the way I do and expecting that people will do what I do normally,  being considerate. Humans are selfish and fear anything that can break an illusion.

And I recently...I realized that I am still in love with her that it was enough to bring me out of the shadows and make the call that saved my life.

Granted...its heavy shit...but its what I went through.

Honestly I just want to write about her. Her life. That smile. Those eyes. The personality that is the yin to my yang.

Half my heart still resides with her. It always will. I think that its the same with me. I am curious what will happen when we meet again since the isolation that nature caused and forced us to see what we were to one another. We both made mistakes. We both did the wrong thing and we now live in the consequences.

But that should  not!be a chains that hold us back. I think we needed this time. To think.  To miss. To find ourselves.

I found myself. 

I am back to being me. Its a great feeling life again in my soul. I appreciate the true spectacle that my life is and regardless of the good, bad, and ugly times with people...I now love every step I took because....like she once told me, "I would never love a man who has never stumbled and fallen down. Because the man who has, which is you you goof, has gotten back up and keeps going."

Bit of paraphrasing (extremely) but you get the jist.

Love you.

-the Silly Wanderer-