Its weird though.....I forgot how heartbroken I am about a lot of things before the lights went out for me.
Its just...........I'm crazy. I must be absolutely crazy.
Or I was?
I don't know......
She saw it coming and its just a pity that it became who I was for such a long time and in the end nearly destroyed me.
And now.....I'm free of it and can manage it and I just want to go.
I loved Saint Petersburg, don't get me wrong.
I found many firsts in this place. My first loves, my first break ups, my first...well...everything.
And then I thought one first would be my last one but....look how that has got me.
And when I found someone new.......she knew me better than I knew myself and in the end I developed into this....thing.
This horrible monster born from the shell of a man I used to be the one she would smile at because I would get excited about a giant monster film.
I miss those days.....and I miss her face during stuff we'd do together.
I've been thinking though more of DG........I miss her. A lot.
I'm just.....confused I guess....or just....tired that I'm still here.
Frankly......after what this week has done, I see that I have some people who care, but.....it has showed me that I am truly just a blip to most of the people I know.
It sucks, but...it just seems like that and its okay.
Generally, I'm a cool guy...but I think the last few months tore that down and I feel like when I'm on campus I'm this...........pariah?
I mean...that is what usually happens for me.
It just seems that people still revolve around her and that I'm just this.....orbiting moon to her now grown circle of people and things that where part of mine.
Honestly...this post is mostly born from normal emotions of rejection, loneliness, and in desperate need for a cuddle.
A really hard and maybe underpants cuddle.
Tomorrow is a new day and more work for me to continue to live the life I almost threw away.
Till next time readers
~The Silly Wanderer~
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