Rants on the lake

Sucking it up and taking this blow. He looks like pete puma and it drives me mad that he seems to be the one thing in the way to our happiness because you simply feel sorry for him.

Rant because its driving me crazy and I am tired to call on people to vent.

I need to start seeing a therapist again so I can dump out the overloading thoughts.

Just sucks that I am back in the world of the living and I am still so far from here. Also I think I am angry because the girl who...was alright but ended up being well.....not nice to put it plainly...showed me that some of my best friends aren't as good as i thought because she talked shit and they believed it. I feel I lost a good friend because of her.

At least I am alive and all and all...happy.

Again...I can't stress how great it feels to be back again.

-the silly wanderer-

Thoughts

Its so strange tonhave been so close to the end and then returning in the glory that I am and feeling happy again!

I haven't had any thoughts. I still have panic attacks, but they aren't as bad and I can control them a little easier.

I am getting back on track with my life and I know who my friends are.

The one backstep?

She is still so far away.

When you get to where I went and then come back from it....you see what is truly important and what is real in this world and what is bullshit. I found out recently that a lot of my friends and people i knew are good people...but bullshitters who have taught me thst trusting people in the way I do and expecting that people will do what I do normally,  being considerate. Humans are selfish and fear anything that can break an illusion.

And I recently...I realized that I am still in love with her that it was enough to bring me out of the shadows and make the call that saved my life.

Granted...its heavy shit...but its what I went through.

Honestly I just want to write about her. Her life. That smile. Those eyes. The personality that is the yin to my yang.

Half my heart still resides with her. It always will. I think that its the same with me. I am curious what will happen when we meet again since the isolation that nature caused and forced us to see what we were to one another. We both made mistakes. We both did the wrong thing and we now live in the consequences.

But that should  not!be a chains that hold us back. I think we needed this time. To think.  To miss. To find ourselves.

I found myself. 

I am back to being me. Its a great feeling life again in my soul. I appreciate the true spectacle that my life is and regardless of the good, bad, and ugly times with people...I now love every step I took because....like she once told me, "I would never love a man who has never stumbled and fallen down. Because the man who has, which is you you goof, has gotten back up and keeps going."

Bit of paraphrasing (extremely) but you get the jist.

Love you.

-the Silly Wanderer-

So I'm back

I feel refreshed and my mind and heart are rebuilding.


Its weird though.....I forgot how heartbroken I am about a lot of things before the lights went out for me.

Its just...........I'm crazy. I must be absolutely crazy.

Or I was?

I don't know......

She saw it coming and its just a pity that it became who I was for such a long time and in the end nearly destroyed me.


And now.....I'm free of it and can manage it and I just want to go.

I loved Saint Petersburg, don't get me wrong.

I found many firsts in this place. My first loves, my first break ups, my first...well...everything.


And then I thought one first would be my last one but....look how that has got me.

And when I found someone new.......she knew me better than I knew myself and in the end I developed into this....thing.

This horrible monster born from the shell of a man I used to be the one she would smile at because I would get excited about a giant monster film.

I miss those days.....and I miss her face during stuff we'd do together.


I've been thinking though more of DG........I miss her. A lot.

I'm just.....confused I guess....or just....tired that I'm still here.

Frankly......after what this week has done, I see that I have some people who care, but.....it has showed me that I am truly just a blip to most of the people I know.

It sucks, but...it just seems like that and its okay.

Generally, I'm a cool guy...but I think the last few months tore that down and I feel like when I'm on campus I'm this...........pariah?

I mean...that is what usually happens for me.

It just seems that people still revolve around her and that I'm just this.....orbiting moon to her now grown circle of people and things that where part of mine.

Honestly...this post is mostly born from normal emotions of rejection, loneliness, and in desperate need for a cuddle.

A really hard and maybe underpants cuddle.


Tomorrow is a new day and more work for me to continue to live the life I almost threw away.


Till next time readers

~The Silly Wanderer~ 

Voice-New Poem

Voice 

I heard your voice today. 

That cool crisp sound 

that reminds me 

of a sunny fall day. 

A beautiful reminder of life 

in the form of 

fiery leaves and autumn bird song. 

In these hours of self induced calamity 

where my own voice 

is filled with creeping 

and quite tears. 

You speak his name. 

You speak it like mine. 

Or, more to the point 

you speak it like you used to 

for my own name. 

Like a broken dam 

it advanced deeper 

flooding the civil war 

that is raging in my heart. 

The love that had always protected me. 

That had always, 

even when I neglected it, 

fueled the life and purpose 

for my weary and wandering soul. 

Drowned in those torrents 

produced by the end of that phone call. 

The loudest click of my life 

with the hush of your tone, 

I became what I feared the most. 

A memory to you.